Sunday, May 17, 2009

Don't Worry, Be Happy

I haven't written music for a while.
I haven't written lyrics for a while.

I've come up with ideas for the music of others, but...not so much for myself.

Is it because I'm happy? Things are going well?

All this time, did I need to feel like shit to create?
Am I now duly relegated to "arranger," "producer," or worst, "voice-talent"?!?!

For about 8 years, I've been the sole-proprietor of City Farmer Music.
I made what I want to hear because I was compelled to compose it, record it and hear it for myself.

Now, I feel like I've moved into another stage where I'm happy with things and I don't want them to go wrong just so I can selfishly reap the emotion for a creative harvest.

I'm truly enjoying the music of my collaborators, but don't feel the pressure to contribute as much, let alone the compulsion.

I'm really okay with being happy.

I'm not sure that creativity is diametrically opposed to happiness, but it feels that way when I think about playing the guitar. I used to find solace in sitting on the couch and mindlessly strumming, picking, or plucking at strings just to make a sound that distracted me from what I was sad or frustrated about. I don't have a lot of things to escape from right now.

I still love writing, rehearsing, and recording music...that hasn't changed, but am I able to let go of this idea that it's mine? That I went through something and I became a conduit to some other truth? That it wasn't so much that I wrote it as that it became?

Why would I have to feel neglected, betrayed or miserable for that to work?

I don't know.

I haven't touched a guitar in many weeks. I sing, whistle and hum all the the annoyance of those around me...but when was the last time I sat down with a guitar and played a riff over and over until something came to me, came to be?

I know eventually, something will go wrong...but for right now, I'm happy with being happy and letting others carry the burden of tortuous songwriter.

Let's play.